Last Of The Ole Lady's
by Lady Ramona
Summary: At the end, only one is left, no one ever thought it would be an ole lady. This is from the P.O.V. Of an old lady, her views, of the past and present. What she saw, what she felt. What those days were like for her. As always Mr. Sutter owns all the wonderful characters and original story lines. The rest of us just play around with them!
1. Chapter 1

1

I rolled through town, looking around at all the empty shops. The trash and wind blown mess on the streets.

I remember when this town would come out and stand on the sidewalks, just to watch us pass by.

Those were the days when it was sweet to be on the back of a big black raw Harley, in next to nothing but Levis and tall boots and some scrap of leather for a top. Hair down to my butt, gloriously red in the bright sunshine. Dark ray-bans perched in front of heavily made up eyes. Perched on the back, with one hand on your old mans waist and the other ready to flip off whom ever dared to pull out into the pack.

Oh I remember what it was like to hit one of the big rallies in those days, the roads would clear for us, like a parting sea.

We commanded respect, in those days and if some dick head didn't give it, he was fair game for the brother he'd pissed off.

The very air would rumble in pain with the pipes of the pack of bikes. I was proud to be where I was, I was proud to be an ole lady, carrying the ink that made me stand out and stand with the club, I knew I was protected. I knew I was never alone. I had respect.

I was His old lady, the only one he ever had, the only one to ever sit behind him, feel the miles fly by as we rode to whatever the nomads had called upon him to do.

He took care of me and I took care of him, stitching up knife slices and cleaning guns and bullet wounds as needed.

Most never knew he had me for the longest time, he kept me safe, away from this life.

He also gave me the choice, to be in this life or to walk away. I chose this life.

You see I wasn't here by choice, I was bought and paid for. Not something many outsiders know about, but its part of the life. Not many ever owned up to the fact we were out there, put off somewhere for comfort and convenience whenever they were in the area. But we were around.

In those days, we were mostly used to mule drugs. A few were pimped out, I was not, I was lucky. He won my ass in a poker game. At the time he was not at all happy about it.

I was what was called in those days a willful child, mind of my own, not willing to be biddable on my best day. So my mother being the upstanding baptist that she was, sold me to a man twenty one years older than me. I was thirteen. He was an ass. He could no more control me than she could. I might mention that my father was unaware of this situation, he was under the impression that I wanted to be married.

"_Are all men really that stupid?"_ Never mind that's a rhetorical question.

I made a promise to myself, I would try this for three years, at the time I did not know I had been bought and paid for. That little bit of information came as a huge shock later on my wedding night.

Well I do have to say I did not try very hard, I hated him, his mother thought I was her personal maid. I cooked and cleaned and endured the asshole when I had to. I was not allowed out of the house on my own, smart move by them, because I would have ran at the first chance I got.

Now the asshole as a gambling man, not a winner by any means, mostly a looser. He, in the first year had managed to gamble everything away, including the wedding rings. Not that I cared I would have hocked mine at the first chance and been greyhound long gone!

He went to his usual Friday night poker game and seemed to be back a lot earlier than was the norm, me I was still right where he left me. Not like I could go anywhere, I was very thin and not very strong. Besides being chained to the wall kinda keeps you from going anywhere.

Asshole came rushing in and looking for something, turning things over in his search. I cringed each time something hit the floor because I knew I would be the one to clean it up after the beating that was sure to follow this night's madness, no different than what the past year had been.

I had heard his car come in, and park, the car door slam but as I listened I could hear the sound of something else, something I had not heard for a few years. Motorcycles!

I was brought back to the here and then now, by a blow to the back of my head and asshole yelling in my face, "_Bitch where is the fuckin key! I know you always know where I put it , so point to it you stupid cunt!" _I just pointed to the bowl he'd already tossed to the floor, it was where he always put it. I had always watched very carefully to see if he changed where it went, in hopes I might be able to get my hands on it.

He went through the pile of broken glass again and yelped when he cut his hand, but he found it.

Just as he turned around a figure came through the doorway. He was tall, dark skinned and in jeans and worn boots, white t-shirt, shaved head and tattoos and muscles everywhere.

I should have been afraid, but at this point in my life I would have welcomed death. And the look on this mans face was death. I could hear him growling like a mad dog!

"_Oh shit this is gonna be good!" _I exclaimed as my hand flew to my mouth. It was one of the problems I had, no filter just couldn't keep my mouth shut. It got me beat more times than I care to remember.

"_Care to explain this shit here asshole?" _As the man pointed to me. "_It's what you won, it's all I have to pay my debt to you with, just take it and leave me alone!" Asshole yelled at the man. "You mean to tell me I won a child? A girl? What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't sell someone!" _The man yelled back, all the while stalking over to asshole and picking him up by the shirt.

"_Why do you call her an it? She's a fucking kid, a human with a name and you got her chained to the fuckin wall! I ought to chain your ass up there and see what you think of it!" _And so he did. I watched as the man stalked over to me and held out his hand to me, I had no idea what to expect. I had not seen another person other than assholes family for more than a year.

"_Don't you be afraid of me doll, I ain't gonna hurt you."_ So I held out my hands best as I could, the metal cuffs had long since made two ugly scar's around each wrist and were always bleeding and very tender.

He gently inserted the key in the heavy padlock on each one and I could see his brows knit together as the ugliness was fully revealed. "_Don't you worry, scars show the world you're a tough ass bitch, never let anyone see any different you hear me little girl?" _He said as he threw the chains at the asshole, "_Rigger! get your ass in here!" _And through the doorway came the biggest man I had ever seen!

I thought he was never going to make it through the door, he had to turn sideways and duck his head to get in. "_Holy fuck! _Was all I could say and the big man just grinned at me and stood to his full height. The man still had a hold of my arm, the big guy was glaring down at me, it made me want to hide behind the tattooed man.

He looked down at me and said, "_Little girl Rigger ain't gonna hurt you, he may be a bit slow sometimes, but he don't hurt kids and neither do I." _I watched with wide eyes as Rigger picked up the chains and looked from me to them and back again.

"_He hurt you?" _Rigger asked, all I could do was nod my head. "_That ain't right, ya'll don't go chainin up kids, dogs maybe, but not kids, what you'd do that for?" _Rigger raised his ham sized fist and hit asshole up side the head. Asshole went flying across the room, and landed in a heap in the floor. All I could do was watch as asshole was given a beating that he long deserved in my book.

The tattooed man leaned down to me and asked, "_You want a piece of him, you get it now, you need to get your pound of flesh while you can cause you ain't never comin back here." _I stood up and all I could think of was all the times I had to sit and watch him and his family eat when I was starving. So I went to the stove and picked up the #8 iron skillet and came back in and whacked him a good one across the face, like he'd done to me many times before. He fell over in the floor, I was in hopes that I had killed him, but that wasn't the case.

The big man just started to laugh and was holding his sides, _Hap, fuck brother you got yourself a regular spitfire there!" _That was the first time I ever heard the name of the man who came to take me away.

"_She's a fuckin kid, what the hell am I gonna do with a fuckin kid asshole?" _Hap said as he watched me to make sure I wasn't going to swing at him next.

"_I'm not a kid, I'm fourteen years old and married to that asshole for just over a year, I'm not a fucking child!" _I said as I leaned against the wall so I wouldn't fall over. Like I said before I didn't get much to eat in those days. So I was weak all the time. He kept me that way so I wouldn't fight back when he raped me. I just looked at his face and hoped I'd broken his nose.

"_Well fuck me, now I gotts to deal with this shit, You go get your shit together, one small pack is all a skinny shit like you can carry, you got any boots girly?" _Hap asked me, I just went and put what small amount of clothes I had into assholes old small O. D. green faded army backpack, stuck my bare feet into my old cowboy boots, the only shoes I had and walked back out and got my old jeans jacket off the coat rack and waited by the door.

Rigger just nodded at me and said over his shoulder as he went out the door, "_Brother, you might wanna rethink the old lady thing cause this ones got the makins." _Hap just flipped Rigger off and pushed me out the door, slamming it behind him.

Parked in the driveway were two of the nastiest looking motorcycles I had ever seen. Not one bit of chrome on either one, if it couldn't be painted black, it was wrapped in black heat tape stuff. Both looked like they would be monsters to control, ready to growl and bite at the first opportunity. I looked and wondered which belonged to Hap.

He walked up to the first one, it was only slightly smaller than the other, but not any less impressive. He dug a helmet out of a saddlebag and tossed it to me, I caught it and strapped it on. "_You rode before?"_ Hap asked me, I replied, "_Grew up on dirt bikes, so I know how to ride, never been a passenger before though." _He looked me over, "_If you can ride you can sit bitch without fuckin me up, just watch the road, you just don't make any moves before I do and it will be fine." _I looked at his seat and wondered where I was gonna fit on it. He seemed to be reading my mind, "_Neither of us has a big ass so this will do till I get a chance to change the seat, just slid up as close as you can an hold on, I won't let you fall off little girl." _

I listened to Rigger start up first, the ground even rumbled under my feet. I do have to admit I had my doubts I could handle one of these monsters! Hap threw a leg over and sat the bike up, put the kickstand up and hit the starter. Now I thought Riggers bike was loud, but this was right next to me and I could feel my bones rattle!

Hap held out a hand and I climbed on, and did my best to settle in without touching the man in front of me. He was having none of that and reached around and pulled me into his back, so whats a girl to do but wrap her arms around him and hold on. He was easy on the take off, but that ended when we hit the highway.

I'd been worried I'd be deaf in a matter of minutes but funny thing I could still hear the sound of the bike but now it was more behind me and not at all as loud as I'd feared it would be. Soon I was back in the groove that all riders know, you just become a part of the bike. You can feel each lump and bump in the road. When you're a passenger, you are not in control, and if you were a rider before this can take a minute to get used to. But I didn't have a minute, we were flying down the black highway well over 90 mph, but it didn't feel like we were going all that fast. I wasn't scared after just a few minutes. I could tell Hap was one with his bike.

I was so very hungry, so when they made a gas stop, I almost fell off the bike, Hap turned to me and looked at me hard. "_Whens the last time you ate?" _He asked, I had to think for a minute, "_Two days ago I think, it's hard to remember."_ I answered back.

He was giving me this look like he couldn't believe what I just said. He just shook his head and rolled across the highway to a little diner.

Rigger seemed to be more than a little excited to be at this particular diner. "_It's just food ya fuckin pit!, and I got the feelin she ain't had much to eat and I need her strong enough to hang on n not fall off." _

"_Fuck you asshole, you never stop, just for gas, you just keep on goin, I needs my fuel too ya know!" Said Rigger with a grin. _

Hap flipped him off as he helped me off, I stumbled, I couldn't help it. Between jelly legs for being on the bike and the smell of food I was not in good shape. Hap caught my arm to hold me up and put down the kickstand.

He gave my arms a squeeze and said, "_Fuck you ain't got no meat on you at all, stiff wind would knock you on your ass!" _I looked at the ground and said in a small voice, "_No sir, I don't get much to eat, I'm hungry all the time, but I can make do with what ever you leave on your plate." _

"_FUCK THAT!" _He roared at me. I shrank back and hit the ground trying to make myself as small as possible. "_Your mine now, and I take care of my shit, how you look n how you act is a direct reflection on me. Nobody and I mean no fucker ever will lay a hand on you again, you got me girly?" _He put out his hand to me and it took all I had to not be afraid of his other hand, I'd been suckered before and my jaw still wasn't right.

But I let him pull me up and he reached out with the other hand, and I thought to myself, here it comes... He turned up my head with his calloused I heard his voice, that deep gravel he had, " _You got no worries, you need shit, and I mean anything, you just let me know, OK? You got to pee let me know, you need food, let me know. Like I said I take care of my shit, and you're mine, got it?" _He asked, I nodded in response and that seemed good enough for him and he lead me into the diner.

"_Sit." _And he pointed to a booth where Rigger was already heading. I shook my head and pointed to the restroom sign instead. "_Fuck ya I bet you do gotta go, go on and I'll order for you." I don't care much for sweet things, please." _He just looked at me like I'd lost my mind and turned on his heel and walked to the booth. Me, I just hoped I'd make to the restroom!

I came back to a huge burger and fries and a creamy shake. Rigger was well into the first one, he had two on his plate.

I know my eyes were big, and I turned to hap and said, "_Thank you!, I'm very hungry!" _I finished the burger off in a flash and looked up to see the two of them watching me.

I stopped in fear I'd done something wrong, Rigger just pushed the half of his second burger at me and sat there staring at me while I stuffed it my mouth before he could take it away. "_I'm sorry,__did I do something wrong, I can work the cost of the food off, I can cook and clean and sew." _I stated. He just kept on looking at me and shifted his eyes to hap, and said, "_Brother I ain't never seen something so little eat so much so fucking fast." "She didn't get fed much before, that asshole only gave her what was left on his plate, no wonder she's so fuckin skinny." _Replied Hap_. "Fuck me, seriously, he starved her too?" _Said Rigger. "_Looks like he did to me, she ain't nothin but fuckin bones, brother I don't even chain a dog n you know it." _Hap said with his jaw all tight.

Now that I was full, I just sat and let the feeling of a full tummy comfort me. It had been a long time since I'd got my fill. I closed my eyes and just sat there and listened to the sounds of the diner.

The waitress came back and said, "_You might want to spend the night in the motel, looks to me like your daughter is down for the count." "Shit." _I heard Hap say, but it was far away and it wasn't aimed at me. I woke to Hap shaking me and saying we had to get on the road. So I staggered up and followed them out the door.

He went through the same procedure as last time, only when I was on the bike he turned his head and said, "_Hang on for just a little bit girly, I ain't gonna stay in this place, there's a place just on down the road where we can stop for the night, looks like you're dead on your feet, just stay awake and hold on, OK?" _I Don't remember if I responded or not, my eyes were very heavy and I just wrapped my arms around him and linked my fingers, he patted my hands and off we went.

I woke up with a start, couldn't remember where I was or why I wasn't chained. But I had to pee so very badly, I had to get out from under the tattooed arm that was over me. I started to move and felt him clamp down on me to keep me still. "_Have to pee,'" _I said and he let me out, and that's when I realized I was in nothing but a big t-shirt.

I pulled it up to my nose and it smelled clean, like laundry soap clean. I must have not moved fast enough for him. He pushed on my hip and said, "_Go Pee! While you're in there grab a shower, you stink." _I didn't know what to say to that, so I went pee and got a shower. Because the last thing I wanted to do was piss off this man.

Even the motel soap felt good. I hadn't had an as long as I wanted shower in over a full year! It felt so very good, I'd forgot what it was like to be clean. I used up all the little shampoo and conditioner bottles. And then it hit me, I'd not left any for him. Shit, double dunkin shit!

I stepped out of the bathroom to find him already dressed and I looked around for my clothes from the night before and they were gone!

I had nothing to put on, no underwear, pants nothing! I didn't realize he was watchin me and felt my face go red when I realized I had nothing but a towel on. "_I threw you're shit away, it stunk, can't have that, I went and got you the same size shit last night while you were asleep, Rigger watched over you. Why in the hell didn't you tell me you didn't have any socks? You can't ride without socks! And them boots are trash! Not fit for bein on my bike, I'll get that shit fixed too when we get in, now hop to it and get dressed, we got miles to make up today!" _

And he went out the door and I hurried up and put on what he left out for me. New jeans! Soft socks, and a leather jacket. I didn't see another shirt so I just tucked in the one I slept in the night before and rushed out the door.

Rigger was sitting in a chair outside the door with a cup of coffee and a smoke. "_Hap said he'd be right back." _And handed me a cup from the ones he had sitting by him. I took it with a smile and watched his face fall. " _What the fuck, that asshole knocked your teeth out too?"_ My hand flew up to my mouth and I looked at him and just nodded my head. "_He told me I was ugly as shit and I didn't need teeth to suck his dick, so he knocked them out with a hammer". _I replied. "_Motherfucker! Cock suckin baby rapin piece of fucking shit, If I ever see that asshole he's a walkin fucking dead man!_" Rigger yelled out as he stomped into the parking lot, only to turn around and stomp right back to me. "_Little girl, if you ever see that son of a bitch n Hap ain't around you just let me know so I can come kill his fuckin ass! You got that! There is no call for that shit right there." _As he pointed to my mouth.

I'd never had all that great teeth anyways but to have none was just demeaning and hurtful. It wasn't like anyone ever saw me, I just had seen the way people act when you don't have teeth. You're suddenly below them, not good enough. These guys didn't make me feel that way, they just made me want to find him myself!

We sat and finished off the coffee as we waited for Hap. During that wait, Rigger schooled me on what was expected of be, being with Hap. I knew nothings of clubs in those days. It was then that I took note of the leather vest Rigger had on.

I asked him what was with the vest, it didn't look warm to me and I didn't understand the significance of a kutt then. I listened as he told be about the club and what it meant to the both of them. Hap was his mentor, his club sponsor. He said I was a complication, a problem. I wanted to run away.

From what Rigger had said in those few minutes, was enough to make me realize I stepped from the pan into the fire.

This life, this other world, was something out of a nightmare.

People just don't live like this.

Oh, wait yes they do.

What about me?

What about the fact I was owned, for the second time. I was property, to be bought and sold as the owner saw fit. That little revelation going on in my brain must have cause me to become dead still, not responding to Rigger or Hap when he came back. I focused on what was now right in front of my eyes, another set of eyes.

Neither black nor brown, more just dark, unreadable.

You can't escape the blood, I heard this when Rigger said it, but at the time I didn't have a clue.

But it's true, you either get it or you don't. You either have outlaw blood or you don't.

It's not something you just wake up one day and decide to become.

Its an attitude, a way of thinking, of seeing just how wrong shit in the outside world really was and realizing you want no part of.

Some of us choose it because we had no choice, some of us were able to make that choice. I am proud to say I was along for the ride, and something I could never imagine happened. I fell in life long love with an outlaw biker. Love the man, learn to love the club.

You can choose who you let into your life, who you call family. The family you're born into or the family that's always been there for you, the family that's bound together by the blood spilled and the lives taken. Joys and sorrows shared. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade my life one one of some plain Jane housewife.

I've seen those women, their unhappy sad faces in stores or dragging kids down the street. I couldn't do that, stay in one place my whole life, look at the same shit day after day. No rides in the middle of the night, no seeing the sun rise from the back of a speeding bike. Not feeling the air rushing past. Not feelin my old mans strength, the rippling muscles of his tight belly when I wrap my arms all the way around him, just to be close. Or the feeling when he reaches down to give my leg a squeeze, just to let me know he's thinkin of me. And the one thing that will always bring a smile to my face, him leanin back, grinding his back against my chest and screamin BOOBIES! at the top of his lungs!


	2. Chapter 2

2

"TREAT US GOOD, WE'LL TREAT YOU BETTER.

TREAT US BAD, WE'LL TREAT YOU WORSE."

The day was bright and sunny, it was so not fair. All the years just gone. All the troubles and pain we lived through. Sometimes it just never seemed to end. In this life, you either all in or all out.

I sat on what used to be the steps of her office, the head bitch in charge of all she surveyed. Gemma, original biker queen, our Mother.

We may have fucked up everything worse than flat hammered shit in the end, but we had us a time.

Me, I was a mouthy bitch in those days. Couldn't keep my big mouth shut most of the time. He always said I could say whatever the fuck I wanted to, I was his ole lady and if anyone had a problem they could come take it up with him!

But my man, now there was a big man in this life. Six foot three, and always ready to take on the world. He'd look some asshole in the eye and call him out. If it was a brother it would be settled in the ring. If it was a club problem, well said problem would be taken care of in some out of the way cabin in the woods. Problem would never be seen or heard of again. All the evidence would be a new small tattoo to commemorate yet one more service for his club.

In those days, live was measured by trouble, not by peace. Peace was nothing more but time on the road between jobs. Everyone was on edge more when it was quiet. Just waiting for the next clusterfuck to appear. All the brothers in those days were x-military, they thrived on the conflict. Lived for it, needed it. I guess in a way we were all adrenaline junkies.

Some days it's like he's here, just right around the corner,maybe in the garage working on a bike, just doin his regular shit. Maybe out on a run I couldn't go on, or out doing what he did the best, protecting his club.

But I know deep down he's long gone. My very bones get lonesome for his arms. I'd cry if I could, but that shit don't fly in this life. I don't cry. We don't cry. We may just get it out by beating the living shit out of the first club whore that dares to look us in the eye. Just who the fuck does this piece of shit think she is! They know better, the ones that make the grade, get to stay around more than just a party or two, they know. A very few of them will become ole lady's, some for life and some just short time. But us the true, ole lady's will always get the respect due us, or they will pay in blood!

Today I can feel all of them, all the ghosts that walk this place, echos of the past. I can hear the far off sound of a impact wrench, as someone takes the tires off a car. The cussing of a distant voice, demanding to know just who the stupid fuck was that would even consider driving this piece of shit in the first place. The clicking of heels as the queen herself comes to the office from across the lot. I can feel her gaze as she gives me the once over, to be sure I represent her club and my ole man as best I can. See the slight nod of her head as I once again met her standards. I will always believe that woman got up two hours early just so she was always perfect!

There are days like this that I wish with all my heart I was one of the ghosts of the past, still with my family, still feeling those strong arms around me every night. But someone is always left to tell the tale, and it looks like that someone is me. I can feel the tears wanting to betray me today, but I ain't no weak bitch, I don't cry where anyone can see me! Never let anyone, and I mean anyone see you cry!

As we get older, and time is passing faster, even faster than when we were kids, its hard to stop and see the little things anymore. We all get wound up in the I gotta's. Well fuck that I ain't gotta do shit. But just be around my family. Dead they may all be now, but surrounded by memories of the past, makes the day a bit easier to bare.

If I had kids they would most likely have me put in the looney bin, but I don't, not something that ever happened for us. Might be just as well. Can you imagine if we had a son! Oh my god! With the hell the two of us raised, any kids would just turn out to be double the trouble of us both. I regret not having a son some days and others I thank my lucky stars it never came to be!

It was time for all this to come to an end anyways.

As he would say, we had a good run babe, did the best we could with what we had, and fuck them assholes anyways! I miss that gravelly voice. The intensity of everything he did. His walk, when he knew I was lookin at his ass. The sound of his bike when he came home. I just miss it all. I don't like this last man standing shit on bit!

I look around and you can still see, very faintly the reaper on the parking lot wall, and where the backup for the big trucks was, now filled in with the mess that at one time was the clubhouse. Someone had at one time started to clear off the lot. It was never meant to be, to again be filled with brothers living under the reaper.

I get up and wander around some, walking from place to place, letting the sights of days gone by bring up the memories of events that for some reason stick to this particular spot.

The flash of the Scotsman's wicked grin, as he sits and yet again yells at some stupid prospect in the ring. Chibs, always on the look out, far more intelligent than most thought. Always ready to lend a hand without being asked. Beer in hand on a good day, a half gone bottle on a bad one.

But even on the drinking days, he'd pat the space next to him on that ugly old picnic table bench and say, "_Aye lass, Have a seat, take a load off yer pins, wanna drink?"_ As he would pass me the bottle, or yell out for some prospect to come bring the lass a glass, then bust us all up when we all laughed at his play on words. Telling us all, "_To go strait to bloody fuckin hell, ya heathen bastards!" _As he would eventually lean back into a non-extant backrest and fall on his ass.

Little things, small moments in time that made up our life. Sometimes sheer chaos, others sheer madness at the enormity of the cluster fuck the situation had turned into. Brothers sliding into the lot on the last bit of consciousness, knowing they were home and would be looked after.

Some fools from another club storming in and shooting up the place. I learned a lot about repair work, both walls and human bodies from some of the best around.

I was fourteen the day he pulled me out of the regular world and into his. At the time I didn't know what to expect. I had never had any exposure to the 1% life style, I didn't even know it existed then.

The older I get the less I care about today. Self awareness is just so much bull shit. I can remember how it felt everytime shit just went south. The times in handcuffs laying on the lot pavement..Harley Mafa, ya right.

Hap was nothing but good to me, he made sure I made it all the way through high school, and college. I stayed with his mom, for all those years. He kept me hid away, safe he called it.

I was terrified when we pulled up to that little house with the picket fence and the riot of flowers everywhere. It was so out of place that house. All around it the other houses were slowly falling apart. But not his mothers house, he made sure it was right n tight. She never wanted for one thing that he could provide her.

True lots of things just seemed to fall of a truck, but I didn't know that at the time. I never asked and his mom didn't either. She was a lady all the way through, like Gemma in many nothing and would not stand for bad language or rough manners at her table. But she loved him like a lioness, never exactly defended the lifestyle to me, but never ran it down either. Just always said it was the life he choose.

In all the years I lived with her and took care of her, I think in her mind as she got older, I had always been with Hap. She always said I was the one.

I finished high school at her kitchen table. I was afraid that someone would put two and two together and figure out who I was and then they would come and get me. Hap agreed with me on that score. But when it came to college time, he and I sat and went through all the college brochures, and finally settled on a small community college I could drive to everyday. I settled on accounting, figuring I could always find work, businesses are always gonna be in need of someone to do the books.

I found I had a head for figures in school and this all just came easy to me, so I crammed in as many courses as possible and got it done in two years.

In those last two years Hap wasn't around as much then, and I guess I was so busy between classes and taking care of his mom I didn't question it. He was sweet to me when he was around and I always had a phone number for him in case we needed him for something.

I graduated the day before my eighteenth birthday. He was there, all in his leather and chains. Making people get out of his way with just a look. His mom was proudly at his side when I walked across the podium to get the paper I'd worked so hard on. Making three times the noise of anyone else!

He took us out to dinner and seemed not quite himself all night. He was just different, couldn't put my finger on it at the time. He took us home and helped his mom up the steps, she was failing, the cancer was back and she would not win the fight this time.

She went to bed early just like she'd been doing, since the news of the cancer being back. I went and changed into jeans and a tank, went out to the back steps and just let the day fade away. I have never done well in a crowd like that and it was a relief to get home.

Hap came out a bit later and handed me a beer, he sat next to me and you could just feel the tension radiating off him. I knew him well enough to let things take their own course. But he took for ever!

Finally he turned to me," You're mine, you always have been." He said. "I know, you own me." I replied. "Now just a fucking goddamn minute, that ain't what I mean, FUCK!" He growled out. "Lemme try this again, you are mine." He said slowly like I was stupid. I just looked at him, seemed like there should be more to what he just said, so I waited. He shifted around and dug a paper out of his kutt, and opened it up to reveal a drawing.

It was a crow, a big one with broken chains on its legs clutching a scroll with a red ribbon like they used to use sealing wax on, only this was a yellow smiley face instead. I looked up expectantly to see what the significance of this was. I'd never seen one nor did I know what it meant.

"That right there says you are mine." He did it again! Fucker! "I am not stupid, I did go to college, but I know fuck all what this is supposed to mean!" and I stood up to leave. "Fuck, girl that ain't what I meant, I want you for my ole lady." "What's an ole lady?" He took my hands so I would sit down and said.

"Leann, its what we call the ladies we choose to spend our life with, some brothers go so far as to marry and we can talk on that on down the line, but I got to put my mark on you, so you're safe."

"You mean like a cow with a brand?" I asked, knowing that if he wanted to he could brand me, there was fuck all I could do about it.

"No, in this life, our ladies wear our crow, it shows the world that you belong to me." He said earnestly.

"So this is a good thing, not a bad one, right?" I asked like the silly girl I still was.

"It's a big fucking deal to me, means I picked you, that you are mine. I want to put it over the whip scars on your back, not to cover them up but to show you are a tough bitch and I know it's gonna hurt like a bitch, but it will just be you n me so no one will know if you have a hard time." Wow, he just said more words all at once than I think I've ever heard him say in a week.

"Ok, when are we doing this?" I asked him in hopes I could be ready for it.

"Tomorrow, its your birthday and I can legally claim you as my ole lady." He said looking all pleased with himself.

"Alright, so this is my birthday present, a tattoo?" I asked, thinking that's gonna suck balls for a present.

"No, well we can go do shit during the day and do the ink later in the day if you want." He said.

"No, lets just get the pain out of the way so it's over and done with, hell do it tonight, if you want to."

"I could, but then you will be too sore to ride tomorrow." He said with those eyes flashing at me!

"No, do it tonight, so it over and done with, please." I asked. "Alright, go clear off the kitchen table, and I'll go get my kit." He said as he went into the house.

So I went and cleared off the table. What else could I do. All I really wanted to do was run out the door. He said he would never hurt me! LIAR!

He came back in and started to assemble all the stuff he pulled out of his bag. The tattoo gun looked evil, like it was just waiting to hurt me. He stopped what he was doing and said, "Here you do a little one for me and you'll see it ain't that bad.

So he set out the yellow and black ink in little cap things. gave me a pair of gloves and pulled out a little paper with a smiley face on it, "Think you can draw that one me?" He asked. And so I gave him a smiley face. It wa far from a perfect circle like the others he had, but every time I saw it I would smile from then on.

He got a couple of pillows and had me take off my top and lay face down on the table. He rubbed something on my back and I remember thinking it was gonna take days for him to do this! He put the paper on me and it transferred the crow to my back, from left shoulder to right hip. He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "No yelling, can't wake up Maw." And then the needle hit my skin, it wasn't too bad till he went over bone,or over a scar, then I thought I might just break the table where I was gripping it for dear life. He took a break when the lines were done. Then he came back and the shading started. It was no where near as bad as the lines.

When he was done he rubbed something all over it and said I could go look now.

I went into the downstairs bathroom and got a small hand mirror and turned around and there on my back over the ugly scars I hated so very badly was a beautiful bird in full flight, wings extended, I could see every detail of the feathers, chains dangling, and a smiley face for all the world to see.

I no longer felt owned, I felt free!

I remember hearing about the night Kyle got his ink burned off, fire or knife Clay asked him. Kyle hung his head and quietly said fire. It made me remember the night I got my crow. I felt bad for Kyle, but what he did should have got him six feet under, not dumped in front of a hospital. Opie did hard time away from his family just because Kyle was a chicken shit.

Shortly after Opie went inside we lost Hap's mom. I came in one day and she was just gone. She was outside under the big shade tree, sitting in her chair in her favorite spot. Her ice tea in its regular spot, a book on her lap. She was just still now.

I sat back on the grass and dug my phone out, and dialed his number. "Hap you need to get here now, it's your mom."

"Is she.." he never finished, I just answered "Yes. The line went dead. By now I knew the guys he was always with and hit Chibs umber next, told him what had happened so Hap would not be riding alone all upset. I went out to the front steps to wait for them to ride up. She was his anchor, his one thing to take care of before me.

They came roaring up and parked, he went to past by me but stopped to give my shoulder a squeeze. I waited for a few minutes and went on out back with them. He was very upset, I sat down beside him and he rested his head on me. "She's really gone." Was all he said. "Yes she is, she won't hurt anymore, look at her face. See the pain is gone, she is at peace."

The three of us had sat down and planned out what she wanted, so there was not much to do in the way of arrangements. She was a devout Catholic and would be buried beside his Father. I called the priest, like she asked and he came and did whatever it is they do and then the ambulance came. I didn't think he would ever let them take her, his brothers had to hold him back so they could load her up and leave.

He took it real hard, kinda went off the rails for awhile, after the service. I took Gemma's advice and let him get it out of his system, before he came back to me.

I was at the shop with Gemma when he came back, I'd started to work there when ever she needed a hand and now I worked five days a week. He knew I would be there. He knew I would see that bitch that followed in her car. I to this day think he was testing me to see if I still cared.

Oh I showed him fuckin care alright!

He backed into his slot, and she got out of her car and the fuckin bitch put her dirty whore hands on my man!

I was fileing some invoices and they just hit the ceiling as I went stomping out the door. And he just stood there and let her hang all over him! The fuckin nerve!

I walked up and tapped her on the shoulder," If I was you I'd back the fuck off my man." I said. She turned and looked me up and down," Like hell I will, go find your own you skinny cow." And that's when I hit her.

Now to say these club whores are pretty is a real stretch of anyones imagination. Nothing about them is real. Everything is fake, plastic, tied on, glued on or painted on. When I grabbed her by the hair, it came off. Well I should say it was one of those weave things so some of her real hair came with it. When my fist connected with her mouth her caps fell out.

Now I did feel a little bit bad about that, because I had implants now, just a little bit.

When she fell off her plastic heels, she must have had on six inch ones, she broke an ankle. And that's when I guess Hap decided I'd shown enough care. He grabbed me to hold me back and that's when I smelled her on him. I pulled away and told him to take care of that trash, get a fucking shower and we would talk later on tonight.

"Leann, wait!" He said to my back. "I have work to do and it looks like you do too, see ya later Hap". And I walked back to the office. Gemma was waiting for me and shut the door behind me so no one could see if I cried. I didn't. I stomped around calling Hap names and just stayed wound up.

She let me carry on for a bit, then stepped in front of me and pointed to the couch. " SIT THE FUCK DOWN LEANN!" She yelled in my face. So I sat the fuck down. Gemma went over to the bottom desk drawer and pulled out a bottle of Jack, and got a couple of coffee cups and came and sat beside me, and told me this.

You know the rules and so does he,"What happens on a run, stays on the run, that shit right there is not ever supposed to happen, but it does sometimes and you handled it just right. I am so proud of you!" and she gave me a hug!

Then we drank the bottle of jack. At some point Clay came in to see if we had killed each other and found us very happy and very loud. He wisely shut the door. At some point, I'm not sure really, I went out and stood swaying in the lot and started to yell, " HAPPY FUCKING LOWMAN GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE." next thing I remember I was hanging over a trash can puking my guts out and someone holding my hair out of the way of the mess I was making. It all gets a bit blurry and distant after that. I do remember the clubhouse floating by me as I was carried in, JT'S bike is truly the last thing I remember. Till I woke up with a killer hangover! And in Hap's dorm room. I could hear sounds of people being way too loud. The garage was busy I could her the power tools, way too loud also. But I had to get up! I had to go something fierce!

And there was that arm again, holding me down, pulling me in closer. "I have to go." I said, he just grunted at me,"Go pee and take a shower, you stink." So did and crawled back into bed, he pulled me into his chest and said."Won't ever happen again Leann." I said "It had better not,cause it's your balls next time!" He just grinned and hugged me tighter, "She still loves me." He said as he drifted off to sleep again. "Ya I do ya fucker." I replied, and I went back to sleep too, safe in the arms of my tin foil knight.


	3. Chapter 3

3

A/N: People just don't seem to remember things in the past in any sort of order, oh, there may be bits that string together, but for the most part, it's a sight, a sound or a smell that sets off the memories. Sometimes it's that flash as you turn a corner, or turn around, that little glimpse of something you can't quite explain. So indulge me, just read along and let events come into your mind in bits n bobs...and remember with Leann, It's fun...trust me.

GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST, OR MAYBE I SHOULD GO BACK TO BEATING HOOKERS

Coffee, I smell the most amazing smell of coffee! I must be dreaming, nope, it's still there. "Leann, wake up doll, we gots to talk about." Said a voice I dimly remembered from the past.

No way my brain screamed! Tig, he's as dead as all the others. I still refused to open my eyes. Again, I hear."Wake up!" "OK!, Fuck I'm up!" I say as I sit up in bed.

Wait, is that Tig? I ask myself as I try to rid my brain of the fog that sometimes descends on me at the oddest time.

I remembered I was sitting on my bike last night and a truck pulled into the lot. The man in the truck never got out just turned around and drove away. I didn't think much of it at the time.

Wow, how could I have forgotten, Tig was still alive, he was in prison when all the shit went down, doin 15 years. So he could be out by now. Apparently my brain was in dire need of the coffee which was next on my list, right after the bathroom!

Finding the floor and looking around, I find that here, in this house, I miss him deeply, the most I have in years. I miss that tattooed arm that would keep in the bed just a minute longer, just so he could feel me squirm to get away, because I had to pee, like he did every morning he was with me. Seems to be quite a bit more than I have the past couple of years.

With a heavy sigh, I trudge on in the bathroom and take care of my morning business, decide I don't look too bad anyway.

Then It it hit me.

Tig woke me up.

Why did Tig wake me up?

And just what the fuck, it's my fucking house fucker, and just how the fuck did he get in here anyway!

I mentally grouse to myself.

But then again, I remind myself, it is Tig and Tigger always had one up his sleeve, It almost makes me grin to think there is someone else left.

I still to this day sleep in old samcro shirts, now they are all soft and comfortable. Not the vibrant blue they once were. But I love the few I have left and sometimes it's a little bit of comfort to pull one over my head. It makes it all bearable, some nights.

There was a time in the beginning of this ending that I simply could not sleep. So I told myself lies. He's out on a long run, everything is fine, just wait, you'll be cussing his ass out at 3 am.

Then I could drift off.

Sometimes that was a bad idea.

Sleep can be a dangerous thing.

It might just be better to stay up, rather than to wake up screaming because of the dreams, the nightmares. It took me almost two years to not want to scream when I heard the sound of a vehicle slamming on the skids and locking it up. The smell alone would be in my nose for days. Making me want to just throw up and get it over with.

He was gone out of the bedroom, so I snagged the still warm cup and my smokes and head on down the hall to the kitchen.

"What the hell Tiggy, why are you here?" I ask as I come in the kitchen. I stop and take a good look. His hair is all gray now, gone are the dark crazy locks he once sported, but mine has plenty of gray in there now too. He had both hands on the counter by the sink, his knuckles were white, he was gripping the edge so hard and just glaring out the back kitchen window.

"Where the fuck have you been." He asked me.

"Well, that's a long story and will sure as hell gonna more than just coffee to get me to go there. I think there should be several well aged bottles of jack under the sink, pull us a good one out and let's head outside, it's way too crowded in here to even begin this shit." I say as I grab a couple of glasses as I head out the back door.

"Ya, some days it is. Way too crowded for sure," I could hear him mutter as he shook his head, to himself as I went out the door.

The sun was warm and not too hot yet, the spring was always my favorite time of year here. Not so much neighborhood noise, it was real quiet now. Not the way it was back in the day. No dogs barking, no traffic sounds, Charming was slowly turning into a ghost along with everything I ever loved.

It was so very sad to see the shape the place was in. Everything was so hugely overgrown, all crazy from the rains of the past years, uncared for and just plain a mess. We worked so hard on this place, Me and Hap, improving things year after year. Building the deck, the shed, adding on to the garage. The fence was an adventure, He had sent the two new prospects to put it up. A huge mistake! Neither one of them had ever put up a fence. They got into a fist fight over it. After they had beat on each other long enough, they finally tried to put it up. How they got a zig zag pattern out of what should have been a straight line I will never figure out!

When Hap and Tig got here to inspect the job, it cracked me up! I watched from the kitchen window, as they tore into those poor guys!

Hell!, they were just city kids. I doubt they had ever had anything to do with a yard, let alone ever build anything. So the guys made them take it all apart, constantly on their asses, yelling about how stupid they were and that they would have to go and replace any boards they fucked up. They had them out there pounding all the nails strait, way into the night, those poor fuckers didn't get the fact that there was a big box of nails, and it was highly unlikely that even a quarter of them would be used on the dam fence. All the while Hap and Tig sat in lawn chairs and drank beers.

It was not until the next day that my fence was up. They made the prospects stay right there with them the whole time, and watch as the two of them put up that fence. Having them fetch and carry everything. But as I watched the way they treated them, I'd come to see they weren't being near as nasty to them today, as they had been yesterday. This day was a lesson, one of many I saw them pass along to up and coming brothers. It's just how it was done. Tear them a new asshole, then turn around and show them the right way to do what ever it was.

And the dreaded clothes line, that silly thing caused so many fights! He hated clothes lines, something about haulin ass through a back yard and getting tangled up in one. Said I should just use the dryer like everyone else, But when I changed the sheets I could hear him inhale the smell of outside off line sheets, when he got into bed. So after I noticed him doing that, I made sure to always have fresh off the line sheets on the bed. Just because he liked the smell so much. Years later he told me he always liked comin home n sleeping in that smell. All those years, and he never said shit about the fact his Mom always hung clothes on the line.

So I guess he just let me win on that one, sneaky fucker!

The old me, would have been on the phone asking for suggestions from the queen as to what she would do with this mess, but the me that I am now, just parked my ass on the steps and took a welcome sip of now getting lukewarm coffee, as I set down the glasses I'd brought out with me, as I let the sun do its job and help wake me up. Then I could hear Tig's footsteps as he came up behind me.

Was a time I would have had to turn and keep an eye on his crazy ass, you just never knew what his friggin sicko mind might come up with back in the day.

As he eased himself to sit down beside me, I could tell that the one knee had never healed right, it was part of why he lost his vote at the table. Can't ride, Can't vote. I remembered what happened to that knee. It was when Tig had made the last major fuck up, and it was just plain stupid. As usual, he acted before he had all the facts, took off all hot headed yet again and this last time it helped to bring on the end of this life for us all.

Not to mention that he got fifteen years in Stockton for a weapons charge that nothing to do with the club and everything to do with his temper, it could have easily been a garage full of twenty five to life for the whole reaper crew. There was no getting out of this one, no deals to be made, no just do the time and stay whole, not this time. But in true Tiggy fashion, he just couldn't stay out of trouble even in prison. He managed to piss off enough people in Stockton that his protection was almost non-existent. This time they went after him and broke both his legs, so he could never ride anything, ever again. And by the time he got out, it was all over and done with anyway.

At that point he had enough of the alternate universe that this charming place seemed to exist in for the last 50 odd years. In what may have been the smartest thing Tig ever did, he walked away from this life. And just slipped off the radar, I hadn't heard from him or anything about him in years, I just always kind of figured he had met the same fate as all the others. I didn't know for sure until today, if he was alive or dead too.

He poured us a healthy shot and we sat and drank in silence. "I don't do this much anymore." As he tipped his glass toward me. "Meds I was takin didn't mix well, just made me sleepy, but I been off them a while now and man! I sure did miss the burn!" He said with his old grin back in place. And then he refilled our glasses.

He slung an arm over my shoulders, leaned in and said, "I thought I was seeing ghosts again, needed to go back on my crazy pills n shit, when I saw you sittin on them steps, so I turned around n got the hell outta there!. Figured I'd better start taking that shit again if I was seeing more dead people.

I drove all the way back out to the cabin, and when I got there I just sat on the steps for a bit. Thinking over what I'd just seen back at the old lot, then it hit me. It was a real relief when I finally got it.

You looked older, not dead and all shadow lookin like the others I see. You stayed there when I looked back, cause most times when I look again, there ain't nothing there, ya know?" He asked me.

I just nodded my head, because I did understand the guys were still all here. That in some whacked out way they were all tied to this place, I guess I was too.

"So when I came back later with a flashlight and there were the little freaky boot prints you left, so I knew you were real. You are the only one with them little freaky alien feet!" He said as he pointed to my feet.

"So I came here and there was a strange bike in the garage. The same one I had seen you sittin on earlier today. I had to sit out there some, so many memories in that room. It's almost as if, well, I know this might sound crazy, hell it is crazy. But I been seeing ghosts since I got out, what some seven years ago now."

He turned more toward me and looked into my eyes as he said. "Brothers long dead, from way back before I ever laid eyes on you. All the way back to the war, and even bloody 92. Hell, sometimes I can even hear Missy's nails on the wood floors, but I know she ain't there either. Fuck nobody is ever there, I'm always alone now.

It's almost like I can feel them just behind me, all the time and then I turn around and there's just nothing there. Just me, it can be fuckin creepy down here, that's why I don't come into town much anymore, I just stay up at the cabin.

Just so you know, Leann I don't get freaked out by them alien feet you got anymore, I just really glad you are real and here now."

All this was said to me with what I can only call cold detachment, he may have been looking at me, but it was more like through me, and his stiff back told the story I knew all too well from my own life. Alone, that's all I got now. I can't help but wonder why me, why was I the one left. But now I'm not alone, I'm with one of the craziest people I ever met in my whole life.

I grabbed his hand on my shoulder, laced my fingers in with his. We each gave a squeeze at the same time. I leaned my head over to the familiar shoulder, I missed the full smell of the leather, but there was a ghost of it," Where's the leather?" I asked.

"Up at the cabin, I don't wear it anywhere I can be seen, don't want to call any attention to me." He stated, and I got it, no one that survived those ugly bloody days wanted to draw anyone's eye.

"But I feel naked without it you know, so many years with the reaper on my back." I patted his hand and said," I know, I keep his, well, what's left of it for the very same reasons." We both just stopped and looked off into the distance and emptied the glasses yet again. This time I refilled them.

I could tell he was seeing the past just as I seem to always do. It's just the way it is now. "Ya know," he said. "It was the weirdest fucking thing when I got out and no one was there, ya know, like waitin like we always did on a brother gettin outta the slam, made it all real." Tig said in a far away voice, then he continued. "I guess in my mind, I just made up a story where everyone was in a different slam and I was just in Stockton alone.

Then shit got way too real when I walked down that last little bit of chain link fence and there was just no one there. I thought I'd lost my fuckin mind! Then I let the reality of the truth come and sink in and I knew just like I always had, everyone was just fuckin gone. Like dead n shit. Sorry doll." He said as he looked over at me.

"No," I said, "It's fine, my bad. I should have been there for you, I remember looking at the calendar the day before you got out and thinking I need to plan get to Stockton today, meet up with the others and head on out. Then it hit me all over again and I just couldn't move the that night or the whole next day. I came back to this world when I fell off the couch, early in the morning of the day after. Sometimes it just hits like that, you know?"

Tig just pulled me over a little closer and whispered, " I know doll, I know. I used to beat hookers when shit got too bad, can't even do that nowadays, ain't any left here anyways." He said with a crooked grin.

"Life has sure calmed down in comparison." I said as I thought about days gone by. I could see him nod next to me, but neither of us said much more for a little bit. Tig was never one to be quiet for very long, he always had to fill the silence with his own voice. Me, I liked the silence sometimes, other times like the past few days I needed the voices to be real for once. On this day I just needed to have an old crazy friend sittin on this old deck, drinking Jack before noon, talking over our past life.

As I sat there with his crazy man I had known for the better part of my life. I can't help but see flashes of his life from my view.

Tig, his head thrown back, a german shepherd licking his face, Miss,y her name was, the two of them asleep on the clubhouse couch. I remember taking a picture of them that morning.

Tig and Koz And Happy, always together, the triple threat we ladies used to call them. To see the three of them swagger across the lot, kings of their world and all they surveyed. When we would go on a run to a rally, they would constantly jockey for who was gonna be first in line as they were all of equal club status at that time.

Get to a rally or some bike show and off they would go three abreast, just seeing who they could intimidate with nothing more than a glare. Happy was the best at that one, with Tig a close second. Koz was not so great in the glare department, he was more the wink and flirt type.

They would make one circuit around the event, letting the whole place know that the Son's had arrived. Once that was done, they would come back to where we were waiting, Happy would hold my hand as we walked back through, he'd stop to show me things he thought I might like. Tig would be right there, sometimes holding the other hand, mostly just to piss off Hap.

I'd come back to the old place last night, the one place that was a constant in our lives other than the clubhouse, the little house we shared together for all those many years. It would always be home to me.

The one I rode away from quite a while ago. I'd had come back here after a day on the old lot where the clubhouse used to be. The life and times that surround and fill this small place has created a life of their own.

In the kitchen I can still remember the feeling when he would sneak up behind me and wrap me in his arms, and that always ended in table, counter or floor sex. My memories should make me blush, but now they only make me sad.

I remember each time I stood In the bar part of the clubhouse and looked in to see one of the guys I held so dear to me, laid out in a coffin on the reaper table. Each time it hurt just like the very first time. In the beginning, the very first MC funeral, I ever attended was at Olympia Washington charter. The guy's name was Switch, I asked later on after they were past the tight faces, whenever his name was mentioned, how did he come to get that name? Tig turned and gave me a hard look, and said " Fuckin fucker always had det cord, timers and detonators on him, wonder how he never got blowed up in all the shit we been in and to get fucking creamed by an old broad in an ugly ass green ford truck. Man, tha'ts just no way for a brother to go out ya know?"

Sometimes I only see the intense green of Washington, others I see the cedar box on the reaper table there. Every charter had the same table, it was the guys symbol of unity, It helped a brother that had changed charters due to whatever reason, to feel at home and remind him he is among brothers. Brothers always got your back, as you would cover any of them. It worked for the ole ladys too. We had our own club as it were. I never realized it at the time, but we did. We ran our part of our world, and the guys ran theirs. Like they say, love the man learn to love the club.

I have felt since the day I lost the love of my life, that each day has been a lesson in how to handle myself, to stop and appreciate these simple moments, to learn from the silence that is my world now. Know that being alone is not all that bad. You learn to keep your own counsel, learn when it's time to walk away, when it's better to just hold your ground no matter what.

I can still hear the things he would say to me, teaching me the things I needed to learn. He would take the time to point them out so I would remember, and learn to take care of myself.

I know now, he felt that the day would come that I would have to stand alone. I know he did try. They all did in their own way, They never treated me like a prospect. They all taught me with infinite patience. Showing or telling me over and over until I got whatever it was. For all these lessons I am eternally grateful.

Because without them I would not have survived one day, let alone these past years out in the world. Sometimes there is just too much damage to continue on the path you're on.

It just means you step back, take another look at things and do the best you can.

RICCO, that is a huge thing to have hanging over the club's head, over all our heads. It was always there, just at the edge of everything. It's just another thing you learn to live with, in this life. Like the blood, bullets, and the loss of good men.

Because at the end, we all die alone, it's just the way it is.


	4. Chapter 4

4

We are gonna come out the other side of this, just fine, shit always works out, sorta...

Everyone wins, even if they lose. That's just the way it is now a days. We as a club always had to make a show of everything, nothing could ever be subtle, or on the down low.

Oh no, when we went out of town, it had to always be a show, always a production. How could it be anything less, all the bikes roaring through town, all the heads on the street, turning to see where SAMCO was headed off to now.

You'd think getting thirty plus some bikes organized would be a nightmare, but it never was.

Each rider knows their place, never have to guess who's gonna be around you, it's life in the pac. Two up or solitary rider, always good to see the brothers and their ole lady's next to you, knowing they had your back no matter what the situation may turn into, just like you got theirs. You never had to wonder if the rider next to you knew what they were doing. We were more like a flock of crows, in tune and in time with each other, turning in unison.

Be it bullets, or brother down due to a shit road or just a broke down bike. The broke down bikes are the one reason that the club bought a tow truck in the first place. That led to needing a secure place to work on the bikes, which in turn grew into the garage known as TM.

Shortly after Hap brought me to the clubhouse and the queen found out I had a degree in accounting, she gave me a job, well ordered me to come cook the books, was actually more like it. I never worked anywhere else in all those years, never wanted to. Working with him right there just across the lot was the best of both worlds as far as I was concerned, it took some of the guys a bit longer to come around and be ok with the fact I was his ole lady and the fact that, yes I did actually have a working brain.

I guess it was the fact I did not look like what they thought he would end up with, didn't look like a hooker, wasn't tall and blond, had a mouth on me, and an attitude to match. Wasn't a size nothing in plastic heels.

I was a gal with curves, red long ass hair, biker boots and the attitude that went with the boots. No one made the mistake of thinking I was just another cheap ass bitch lookin for a hook up with a son, more than once. I stood up for my place in this life, like we all had to, everytime some bitch got it in her little fucked up brain that they had a chance at more than just a blow job out in the main bar room. Which I did very much mind, and voiced my feelings on more than once, but I knew that boys will be boys and they always want to play with things that are just not good for them. So we had our personal rules and Hap was pretty good about it.

Sure, we had our disagreements standing toe to toe in that lot, with all the guys looking on. But that never stopped us from the yelling match or the make up kiss either. Those kisses, well, I just have no words for them, still bring a smile to my face and make me miss him all the more to this very day!

Sometimes when I'm rollin down the highway, I can hear the echoes of past runs. Runs that went on for days. The canyons are the best, the roar of my bike is amplified and great echoes, so it sounds like I'm not really alone.

Oh sure, three days old clothes still suck, skin gritty with the road. Bed rolls that are either full of dirt or soggy from the rain.

Bugs, now lets just not go there, just leave that as yuck!

But we all had the same amount of road on us, each one of us could have been in a foul mood due to it, but we all just had the same silly grin and not one of us would trade this life for a desk and some lame ass nine to five fucking cubical job ever! Crawling out of a tiny tent or just the tarp tied to the bike, smelling the first pot of coffee on the fire, hearing someone bitching because the beer is all gone, or their smokes are wet from the rain, those were the good days. Reminds me of the music we all listened to back then, hell I still do!

Tig had set for the longest time, him being still and quiet was usually a sign of some fuckery cooking up in that swirling black hole he had for a brain. But time had mellowed him somewhat, and that was what had me concerned today. I had no idea of what he had been through since he'd been out, but I got the feeling he'd been through his own personal hell just like I had.

He turned to me like he was going to say something and would just stop, and look again off in the distance.

I get that, I do it a lot myself these days.

" What the fuck, Leann, just what the hell happened, did we have a rat, did one of us turn. Just what the fuck?" He said very loudly, way too close to my ear.

"Fuck did you have to yell in my ear asshole?" I said as I scooted a bit further away from him, in hopes of saving what hearing I had left.

"Shit doll, I'm fuckin sorry, I just ain't had no one to ask ya know, and now you're here, really here like alive n shit." He said as he refilled the glasses once again.

I eyeballed the bottle and with a sigh came to realize the day was gonna be shot so I might as well enjoy a nice safe drunk with one of the few friends I still had from this life of ours, that wasn't just a head stone I was leaning against in some grave yard, talking to.

I turned to Tig and said the one world we all feared, "RICCO".

The one thing that I believe each of us knew, deep down in the end would get the club.

He stood up and said, " I don't wanna know about that shit, it was crazy enough to go through that fucked up mess with that fuckin blond bitch," He turned after a bit and just looked at me. "Shit, they got us, like for real got us?" He asked.

"One way or another, ya they did get to us all." I replied. And it was the way of it, one by one the guys went down, and went down hard. Everyone of them that could, fought to the bitter end.

Stahl, the blond bitch that started it all. We could never figure out just why she went after us so hard. The reason came later, like after Opie painted a windshield with her brains.

Apparently her Dad was a club member that went down early during the bloody years, the nineties, when we lost so many members to stupid, petty fighting over turf. She never forgave the SONS, always kept an eye on all of us, just looking for that one weak brother or his ole lady.

She tried with the queen, that didn't work out so well for her.

She tried with me, I just went straight to Hap and he took it to the table.

She tried with Jax, and he turned the tables on her. Leading her on, getting her to believe that the prince had turned rat. Only the few that were in on the plan and ended up in jail with him knew the truth at the time.

It had to be a show, a production, just like always.

The letters he sent to the queen, me and to Tarra, eventually came to light and not only cleared his name of the brand of rat, but brought to light the brilliance of the plan he formulated to bring her ass down and give some peace to two of his closest friends, brothers and advisors.

We all thought that was the end of that particular mess, but we were wrong. Our club was watched more closely than ever before, we just didn't see it at the time. All of us at one time or another had been put through their brand of interrogation. Some of us handled it better than others.

Lowell Jr, that was the hole we never saw. He was always around, always watching. Waiting to get back at the club when he learned how his father was killed. Hell Clay, he even put him through reaper rehab, he should have just blown a hole in his skull when he had the chance.

It just goes to show you that the one time you show weakness, show compassion for even someone as close to the club as he was, it will always come back to bite you in the ass!

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, words that will always be in my head. Now days I never accept or allow anyone I don't personally know to be too close to me. To know my habits. I just can't take the chance. I may look way different now, but hard to change the ink or my face ya know.

I was brought back out of that particular dark hole by Tig tugging on my hair. "Why would you change the color, I almost didn't know who you were.

It's them fuckin tiny alien feet, you can't change that shit doll." He said cackling,and once again he was too fuckin close. Tig always had boundary issues. He had none, so no one else should either.

I looked up at him and said, " fuckin back off on the hair asshole!, I thought at one time I might have to shave my head again, you crazy fucker!"

"Ha! But you didn't, ya couldn't do it again could ya! Bet you can still hear Hap's fuckin fit over that!" He said with a twisted grin.

That's when I got it, Tig's medical problems had kept him safe. He'd had a stroke, now that I'm looking at him, I mean really looking at him I can see the damage.

"When did you have your stroke," I asked.

He just looked at me with sad eyes and hung his head. " Right after I got out, just a couple days actually, I just couldn't come to terms with everyone gone and me still here." His shoulders slumped, there was a hitch in his breath, he was tired of keeping up the ruse, the lie that he was fine.

"I just hit the ground one day and couldn't do shit about it helps ya know. Thought I was gonna die, n wishin I was already dead, then I wouldn't be alone."

We all had similar reactions to the news. The few of us that were still alive, were in hiding already, personal lock-down is what I called mine. Hole up, ride this shit storm out and regroup.

No one was just fine anymore. We the surviving few were anything but fine. I remembered some of the thoughts that were once shared with me from someone I really thought had finaly got his shit together, Jax.

**[ Something happens at around 92 miles an hour - thunder-headers drown out all sound, engine vibrations travels at a heart's rate, field of vision funnels into the immediate and suddenly you're not on the road, you're in it. A part of it. Traffic, scenery, cops - just cardboard cutouts blowing over as you past. Sometimes I forget the rush of that. That's why I love these long runs. **

**All your problems, all the noise, gone. Nothing else to worry about except what's right in front of you. Maybe that's the lesson for me today, to hold on to these simple moments. Appreciate them a little more - there's not many of them left. I don't ever want that for you. Finding things that make you happy shouldn't be so hard. **

**I know you'll face pain, suffering, hard choices, but you can't let the weight of it choke the joy out of your life. No matter what, you have to find the things that love you. Run to them. **

**There's an old saying, 'That what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' I don't believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. **

**Strength comes from the good things - your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that'll keep you whole. Those are the things to hold on to when you're broken. JAX ]**

I think about the things he said at the time and they worked then, but not now. Now we fly under the radar, stay off the main highways. Try not to be noticed. But then we were all flying high and didn't give a fuck about what anyone thought of us, or how we lived. Now, we few that are left, we just keep our heads down, never come down the same road twice in a row, all the little things we learned back in the day about security.

Sometimes the guys would come and talk to me, back in those days, really more like spill their guts. I guess I was the natural choice. The queen would have had to pass on what she learned, me I never needed to. They figured if I could keep Hap's secrets, then I've got to have some big invisible shoulders somewhere for them to lay their shit on and allow them to move on and get shit done. Everyone needs someone to talk to. In this life we don't have priests or a biker psychiatrist to go tell our troubles to. We talk to the one we trust the most. Throughout the years I heard far more of club business than I should have. I kept the secrets, I kept their trust in me, as I trusted them, all but one.

Vulnerability is a liability, and no place for it in this life. We could never be seen as weak in any way what so ever. The ole ladys would help each other through the rough patches, work our asses off and help out to keep all of our collective shit together during the many lock downs we went through.

But after three days anything gets old. Tempers get short, inaction weighs heavy on everyone, even the club kids. At the end of the last lock down, it was far different, more were gone than were standing. Then it came time to bury our dead, regroup and get a plan together all pulled together we had to make shit work. We had too, there just wasn't that many of us left even then.

What went down I those last days was us burying the last piece of a very broken past, to some it was with joy in their hearts, to others like me, who had a bigger view of the situation it was the beginning of the heartbreaking end, our bloody end.

This isn't 1967 anymore, this is now sweetheart. This life, it ain't romantic or free. There's no path to anything that makes any sense. It's just dirty and sad and we both know it's only going to get worse. I could still hear Hap whisper in my ear, standing behind me. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me close, keeping me safe.

Sometimes I would think to myself, I'm just a dirty biker whore with a mile long record. Does it really matter what I have to say? Is there anyone that would take to heart what I see coming, what any fool here should see? Only one man ever took what I said and built on it, made my thoughts and words, his to pass on in church, but by then it was far too late. Our fates were sealed. Lowell Jr, just knew too much, and he was a junkie, once a junkie, always a junkie. And all junkies can be bought. As far I am concerned when he sold us out, he sold his soul to the fuckin devil.

Many have called this life the devils ride with payment in blood at the end, I now think they were right, but back then I figured just like everyone else did, I'll face that when I come to the time to. Well, I'm still on this side of that line for now.

I sat out there with Tiggy all day. We cracked another bottle in there somewhere, I'm not sure who ordered the pizza, but it was like old times for just a bit. And I think that's what we both desperately needed, for just a bit.

I woke up on the deck, I mean face down on the deck. I sat up and saw Tig snoring away in the grass. He was good, and I just laid back down, the world was a bit too bright, a bit too loud.

I remembered being handcuffed beside the queen once, we were just laying on the floor and at the time all I could think of was, would you just look at how dirty this floor is, them bitches are gonna get a talking to from me! Not doin shit around here, what do they think this is a free fuckin ride! I looked over at the queen and she has an eyebrow cocked, and I just knew she was thinking the same thing!

Funny how the bits of the past connect to the now of today, if it is even today, yet, hell it could be days ahead for all I know right fuckin now!

I miss him, I miss all the guys. I miss all the little shit they used to do that made me nuts at the time, but those are the things that endear a person to you. All those annoying little things. Jax's cocky walk, Clays above it all attitude, the queens bitch heels clicking down the hall at all hours. Pineys Tequila and the constant smell of really good weed, Bobby and his organic shit. Chibs and his constant flirting, but I'd still gladly get a hug from any of them right fucking now.

But most of all I miss my man. The only man I have ever had in my heart and soul. I'm missing a huge part of me now. Most days I just kinda wander through, getting done what I have to, but not much more. I can't, I just don't have the will to anymore. I'm so tired of being here on this earth without him. I can hear him in my head, yelling at me, calling me out, telling me this is what he spent all that time teachin me. Survive Leann, don't let the dirty bastards win, the fuckin dirt under your nails is better than those assholes!

But lover, I'm tired, tired of runnin n hiding who I am. A new name, a new place, surrounded by strangers. Never to feel your arms around me, never to hear you yell at me from the garage to bring you a beer and my reply of go fuck yourself and get your own. It was just the way we were, always at odds to anyone that didn't know us, that wasn't family.

Well, now going down the deep dark road leads me to nowhere but curled up somewhere dark, holding myself cause that's all there is these days.

Nope, got to keep on, keeping on.

Time to go harass the mighty Tigger. So I sat up and threw the empty bottle at his head, the resulting yell was extremely satisfying!

"Who the fuck!" He yelled as he sat up and glared in my direction, then he grinned and said, " You got any more of this shit Leann?"

And so we past the next couple of days, just going over the old days. Reliving the past is supposed to be good for the soul, but as much under the influence as we were it may have done far more harm than good.

We both needed this, I know I did.

I told Hap one time, I'm not going to turn into the bloody bitch queen, I'm afraid was gonna turn into you. Hap, the thought scares me, though not as much as it should. But in the end, that's exactly who I turned into, it kept me safe and somewhat sane, if you can call going on a three day drunk with Tig sane.


End file.
